The Old Blog

So...for your viewing pleasure, the following is a rant blog that I wrote about a year ago regarding my views on the lack of fashion. (I've added some pictures for visual effect)...(and because I'm kind of bored).

Seriously people, there are a few steadfast and simple rules that should ALWAYS apply when choosing one's attire for the day. I don't want to hear your whining, "I haven't had time to shop since the Reagan was in office"... "I had a hangover when I got dressed this morning"... "I saw Mischa Barton wearing this last week". No. Not valid excuses. But, don't be alarmed, I of course am willing to offer my opinion for your own personal fashion enrichment. (who me, speak my mind? never). (please refer to content of previous paranthesis as complete and utter bs). Standing in front of your closet, pondering what articles of clothing will cover your birthday suit there are several things to keep in mind:

1. Denim shirt + denim pants = fashion disaster

Maybe at one time this worked (like 1983), but honestly people, just because it is the same material does NOT mean that it matches or looks good.

2. Flannel shirts. Unless your resume lists "lumberjack" as your current profession, or your given name is Paul Bunyan, please refrain from wearing flannel.

3. Flannel pants.

Repeat after me, "I will not wear my pajamas in public". Girls, I know it was super-popular in high school to go to the mall in your flannel pants and a little tank top, but let's face it - you're an adult now and pajamas in a public place are a big no-no. And while we're on the subject, how about giving your boyfriend/husband/significant other a break and buying yourself some cute nighties instead of the flannel monstrosities?

4. Leather pants.

Only for people who refer to their mode of transportation as a "hog". That is all.

5. Super low rise jeans.

Unless you weigh under 100 lbs, these are typically not the most flattering cut. Know the term "muffin-top"? Know where it comes from? I'll give you a hint, it's definitely not from a bakery...

6. Clear/Lucite heels.

Only appropriate if you earn your living on a pole, or jumping out of a giant birthday cake on a regular basis.

7. Blazer + t-shirt + jeans= Kanye West ripoff.

I have nothing against this look. I also have nothing against Kanye West. However, his"Golddigger" song was so overplayed that I have the uncontrollable urge to vomit each time it comes on the radio. This blazer/t-shirt/jeans predictibility has the same effect on me, get a clue boys, if there are 8 other guys wearing the exact same thing at the club...maybe it's time to be a little more creative.

8. Overalls and shortalls.

Is your name Daisy Mae or Cletus Jedidiah? Didn't think so.

9. Speedo's or thong bikini's.

Let's face it, these really look flattering on about .25% of the population. And even then they're kind of disturbing.

10. Men's braided belts.

Popular since the late 1980's, I have yet to understand why any self-respecting male would desire to wear something resembling a cub-scout macrame project to hold his pants up. Word of advice if you are still wearing these little craft project disasters: proceed directly to the nearest Nordstrom's, ask for the top salesman in the men's department, and buy whatever he tells you.

11. Polyester.

You are not an extra on "That 70's Show". Nor are you a performer in a Vegas show. Please refrain from wearing polyester, ever. Thank you.

12. Miniskirts at sporting events.

Did you really consider where you were going before you put that on? Bleachers, too much beer, nachos, and strong air conditioning are all perils risked by wearing a miniskirt to any type of sporting event.

13. Flip Flops at work.

Just don't. I don't care if they have sparkles, or beads, or patent leather, or you work in a semi-casual environment. Do not wear flip flops to work. Unless you work on a boat. Or in a youth department (Steph, only you can pull this off successfully).

14. Going braless.

I can already hear the clamor of protesting males out there, but let me say this: EVERY woman can benefit from a good push-up bra. There, that's all I'm saying about it. (and no picture, either - I don't want to see that people!)

15. Fanny packs.

Sadly, these do still exist. For goodness sakes, unless you are my grandma, please please please do NOT ever wear one of these. Only my grandma can get away with it, because she's so darn cute. (p.s. don't you love the gratuitiously redneck picture...complete with jorts (that's jean shorts for you city folk) and the Nascar-ready no-shirt look...)

16. Makeup.

Girls, we live in the south, which in case you didn't know, is where the term "Southern Belle" originated. Please have the decency to choose at least one makeup essential and wear it consistently. (I personally believe every girl looks better with a little mascara on). And for heaven's sake, if you must wear lip liner, match it to your lipstick! The term is Southern Belle, not "Southern Ho". Thank you.

17. Mesh.

Do I really need to go into detail about this? Didn't think so. (again, no picture, trying to keep from throwing up on my laptop).

18. Ankle boots.

These can all burn in a fiery pit, the things are hideously ugly, look cheap, and make anyone's legs look stumpy.

19. Leggings.

Successfully executed by ballerinas, toddlers, and Kimmy from "Full House". Not by anyone else.

20. Socks+Sandals.

Please. Just. Don't. If you dislike your toes so much that you are ashamed to even sport sandals sans socks (10 points for the alliteration, thank you), then proceed directly to the nearest nail salon and get a pedicure. Boys, I am talking to you!